My track art wordings

I am working on my track art cover and it has to have wordings that sound like this:
"I am wandering around and the stars are being like Do you know what, We shall never be crying in the darkness of the night without any doubt". This is actually a quite rough translation from my original Russian version. So, my questions are:
1) Does it sound alright overall?
2) Do you think walking instead of "wandering around" would suit better?
3) Is "We shall never be" better or worse than e.g. "We will never be/we won't be"?

P.S. Punctuation is not of great importance here.

Thank you for your help.

Comments

  • @ol3ks11_, I'm not familiar with the term track cover, so I have to guess what style you are aiming for.

    • Full verb-forms
      There' something very formal in I am wandering, Do you know what, We shall never be crying

    • Be like
      This is the opposite of formal — very informal indeed, and never used by older speakers like me.
      And it's hard to use in writing. Young speakers change their tone of voice to show that they're quoting the actual words spoken.
      Worse, I don't think it's ever used in a PROGRESSIVE form. It could sound OK in speech to say
      and the stars are like...
      If you're determined to use this in writing, then I'm afraid punctuation is of very great importance. You need speech marks as a minimum. And possibly a line break. Thus:
      and the stars are like....
      "You know what? ...
      "
      Even so, many readers will fin it very strange. You could mark the informality in a different way, such as
      the stars say
      Hey you
      we ...

    • Wander around
      I'm not really happy with either word.
      The connotation of wander (for me, at least) is a purposeful choice to walk in a different direction from the usual or expected.
      The connotation of around is (again, for me) centred on the spot where you start from.
      I get the impression that you are writing about purposeless random movement, so_about_ seems much better to me.
      You seem to want to paint a picture, so I think you should choose a verb describing the type of walking. Alternatively
      walking aimlessly about

    • Do you know what?
      This is another item from very colloquial speech — not restricted to the speech of young people as be like is, but still a signal of extremely casual informality.
      If used at all, I think it sounds better abbreviated to
      You know what?.
      Even so, it give a very specific stylistic flavour which might not be what you intend.
      A more neutral way to start the comment is
      Listen

    • We shall never be crying
      This is hugely problematic — especially for Russian-speakers.
      For any learner of English there are problems with English expression FUTURE TIME and PROGRESSIVE ASPECT. For Russians these problems are made worse because Russian expresses FUTURE TIME in rather different ways and Russian ASPECT is in some ways very different from English.
      —— For a start, there's the word shall.
      In speech and in most styles of written English, shall is very little used — other than in expression with shall I? and shall we?.
      When we shall is used, it's generally in poetic diction — actual poems or expressive rhetoric based on poetic use.
      Poetic diction sometimes preserves an ancient distinction which has disappeared from other styles:
      we shall = FUTURE FATE
      we will = FUTURE INTENTION
      Some prescriptive grammars pretend that this distinction is 'correct' and actually used by 'good' speakers and writers. This is either self-deception or a plain lie.
      In speech we say
      we'll, we won't, we'll not, we'll never, we won't ever
      You may occasionally hear
      we shan't
      but it's rare.
      In formal writing you may find
      we shall, we will, we shall not, we will not, we shall never, we will never, we shall not ever, we will not ever
      A few writers may be following prescriptive rules, but the reader can't know whether this is so.
      —— Even trickier, there's the meaning of PROGRESSIVE.
      Progressive aspect expresses a snapshot of activity (or process) at a given point in time.
      Either it ignores activity before and after that point or it implies that the activity is temporary.
      A typical use might be
      Next time you see us we'll be crying
      Another use is for repeated but discontinuous activity. There's a popular song

      I'll be seeing you
      In all the old, familiar places
      ...
      And when the night is new
      I'll be looking at the moon
      But I'll be seeing you

      —— Neither sense of PROGRESSIVE mixes easily with the word never.
      For the 'snapshot' sense, I'd prefer
      You'll never hear us crying
      For the 'habit' sense, I'd prefer
      We won't be crying ever

    • Without any doubt
      This only sound natural as a introductory phrase.
      It can be an introduction to the whole sentence
      Without any doubt we shall never...
      It can also introduce the end of a sentence
      We shall without any doubt be be crying
      But it doesn't seem to work with the NEGATIVE
      never be crying
      Perhaps have a particular reason to use this lack of doubt as a comment at the end of the sentence.
      If so, I feel you need a different formulation such as
      Of this we have no doubt

    • Prose? Stream of consciousness?
      If you don't care about punctuation, are you sure you want to write prose sentences?
      Poems and song lyrics often omit I'm, for example:
      Walking around
      And expressions can be tagged on with no grammatical connection, for example
      You won't hear us crying
      Never
      No doubt about it

Sign In or Register to comment.